Tags: Ben Affleck | Cuba Gooding Jr. | Jon Voight | Josh Hartnett | Kate Beckinsale | Michael Bay

Hey kids, remember Good Will Hunting?

Remember all the references to Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn that butt buddies Ben Affleck and Matt Damon put into the script they famously wrote together?

Remember all the hype about the "integrity" of these independent young stars with liberal/radical politics? You do? Good; now you can drag the symbolic icon of those memories over to the trash bin of a face that is no-talent sell-out f*ck Ben Affleck.

Howard Zinn actually has a whole chapter on Pearl Harbor and the origins of the Pacific War in his classic A People's History of the United States, a book Affleck once claimed to be "deeply influenced by."

Zinn's take (along with most historians) on the events of December 7th, 1941 - in which the Japanese attacked an offshore colonial military base only after the screws were deliberately put on them by the US with oil and scrap metal embargoes - is nowhere to be found amid all the proud flags and handsome flyboys of Randall Wallace's spectacle/stupidfest... but so what, right?

Pearl Harbor (there are nice extras on the Two-Disc 60th Anniversary Commemorative Edition)is just a movie and not a history lesson I can hear certain Thinkers screaming into their maly pivos. Okay, fine, it's just a movie. But its also just a movie that SUCKS THE SLIME OUT OF USED ADULT DIAPERS.

The love story is soap opera-lite-lite and the dialogue an exhaustive compendium of BSE brained cliches. There is also what has become the obligatory feel-good black American patriot who gets a Navy Cross (are we really supposed to get misty-eyed over this in 2001???), and the enormous fact that 145 million USD was spent on this giant crapheap while children starve is a hard one to block out of the mind.

Two good things, just so you can't say Thinky lacks balance: the action scenes deliver and John Voigt (AKA Joe Buck AKA Midnight Cowboy) plays FDR, which is so awesome and so ridiculous it made me smile, even if Affleck and the rest of the sad pack involved in this travesty makes me want to pull a Columbine at their next shoot.

Thinky says: Ben Affleck is so truly lame it boggles the bulb.