Tags: Arnold Vosloo | Brendan Fraser | John Hannah | Oded Fehr | Rachel Weisz | Stephen Sommers

I am told that some Think readers actually have kids; so Thinky therefore reviews children's movies like The Mummy Returns and Pokemon.

There is also a contingent of stoners and assorted cinephiles who enjoy children's movies for all kinds of sick reasons, and there is even a small group of mildly retarded Thinkateers who require adult supervision at the kino.

These people need to know that The Mummy Returns is not anywhere near as good as the first Mummy movie. The original had self-deprecating humor, awesome F/X and swashbuckling, butt-kicking action. Say "bye-bye" to all that kiddies.

The sequel is a gum and popcycle stick house of awful acting, excruciatingly painful dialogue, silly plot devices, and almost inaudibly low-intensity conflict. Nobody proof-read the script or made any effort at all to beef this up. It was just rushed into production and rushed out into the market for the consumption of Saturday afternoon baby sitters and mildly retarded Think readers.

Thinky says: Save your money for Tomb Raider.